Like most of my baby boomer peers, I have spent my entire life believing that hard work, honesty and integrity would get me through to my golden years. I invested my money, my time, and my trust in the government, CEOs, bankers, unions, and even law enforcement. All have failed me. Each in turn proving to be less wise, less moral and certainly less trustworthy than myself. If I had ignored the advice of all of those placed above me in this society, at least the consequences I have suffered would be due to my own inadequacies and not theirs. At this point it is too late to strike out on my own, or should I say too early? I must depend on the whimsies of the union and the management at CCPL to decide whether or not I will be granted the last five years of work needed for me to retire. I must depend on the government to allot me a small portion of the social security I have paid all these years, and I can only hope that the CEOs who have miss handled my investments will not end up with it all in their pockets instead of mine. Seems lately all I do is walk around pissed off at the bureaucracy that I am trapped in.
I would love to funnel this anger into some constructive action which might prove helpful in solving the dilemma I currently face. However there is simply nothing I can do except wait for the bureaucrats to decide my future. My son in law suggests that I begin working on a solid resume. I can't imagine that a fifty nine year old woman with a high school education would require a resume to secure employment at a local nursing home as an aide, or to ask the question "Would you like fries with that?" I suspect it's the unemployed man with the PHD who will need a resume to procure suitable employment.
I've heard some say they will really pray for me. Seems like I could do that for myself, if I thought it would truly fix the problem. Personally I think God has better things to do than pull strings at Monster.com for me. If He is wiser than the rest of us (which I believe He is) then He should be concentrating on poverty, hunger, disease and world peace. I'd prefer He continued to use his artistry to create the sunrises and sunsets that still amaze me rather than become my own personal Headhunter.
And then there's that simply stated suggestion of, "Since you can't do anything about it, why don't you just stop worrying and making yourself sick over it?" Ahhhh if only I could. But unfortunately, the delete on my MAC does not work on my brain. Like telling the widower after many years, that it's time to stop grieving, or the divorced single mother to take joy in her children and simply move on with her life. Like assuring the homeless that trusting in God for their next meal or place of shelter will bring solution to their current state of affairs, you waste your words on them and on me. Face unemployment in your golden years , and then come back to me with advice.
So what do I do with this anger? Honestly, I haven't a clue. I write, I continue to show up at my place of employment which has become morgue like, and I share my fears with my family and my partner. I vent through the written word, earn what I can while I still can, and forgive those who love me for their inability to make me feel better. I don't know if it will be all right in the end, I just know that it will BE.
