Mom called the other day. This is her first Christmas back home in Wisconsin after four years of living in Ohio. She should be happy. Moving back was her idea. She spent every day here looking over her shoulder seeing the past as she remembered it, instead of the present that I was providing for her. Because of that, she missed each opportunity I gave her to find joy and shared times here with me. Always thinking she'd be happier in Wisconsin, she took all that I gave her for granted. Now she's back "Home" and she's alone. I'm not there to help her or to take her out every week for lunch and groceries. No more special theater treats or sporting events. No curbside transportation to Dr's appointments. She preferred home alone in Wisconsin to trying to make a home here near me.
And now shes lonely and sad, as I knew she would be. I want to scream "I told you so" . I want to feel a sense of satisfaction, even justice, in her suffering because of the way she took me for granted. But I don't. I just feel loss and pity and disgust for the waste of it all. I had hoped that we could redeem the indifference of our mother daughter relationship by spending these final years together. I even dreamed that her coldness and selfishness would melt if I just tried hard enough. But it didn't, and now it never will. Children only ask one thing of their parents and that is to be loved. Being grown up does not lessen that need. Across all these miles mom still has the ability to cause me heartache.
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I feel the pain here. But at the same time, relief that you harbor no guilt for feeling the way you do. You took the higher road, and that should be applauded.
I see the bittersweet irony of it all, but you can not control the way other people are.
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