What Now?

I'd been moving right along with my life, enjoying grandchildren, friends, a great loving relationship, and financial stability. I'd even begun looking around me instead of upwards in anticipation of that "shoe" dropping on me once again. I had, in fact, relaxed, removed my shoes, and kicked back and simply lived each day to the fullest. I let my guard down for once in my life. Then the sky opened up and it began to rain iron toed boots.

The governor made his budget cuts and the libraries suffered repercussions. The bottom line came down last night from the CCPL board of directors. They will cut one half million dollars in job positions this year. I'm high enough on the seniority list so that I will probably dodge that bullet. However, they are going to continue the cuts into the next year by eliminating 1.7 million dollars in job positions. I cannot survive such a direct hit. I will be laid off sometime in 2010, just as I complete fifteen years of service for the library. My retirement funds will be decimated.

I received this news while recuperating at home from a Colonoscopy which I had endured that same day. The testing was done based on some rather nasty symptoms which I'd been suffering over the past two months. Use your imagination, as details would make the faint of heart weak. With Rudy's love and physical help I returned from the ordeal with two possible diagnosis. One would be colon cancer (which I highly doubt). The other is the invasion of a multitude of parasites which probably hitched a ride while I was in Cancun last May. Samples of the visible eggs and larvae were removed and sent to the lab for identification. I now sit here waiting for the Doctor to call and at least give me the name of the parasite, and method of treatment. The biopsies won't be ready for ten to fourteen days.

And so, after a brief respite from worry, while relaxing and looking down, I got blindsided by this whole situation. Life without my job? I cannot imagine that. Creepy crawlies or cancer in my body? Well, that too is way beyond anything my mind can conjure up right now. I feel no need for tears, no hysteria, no fear of the unknown, nothing. I don't think that makes me brave. I think it probably just makes me numb. I'm spending this day alternating between swinging on my porch swing, laying on the couch, and searching the web for medical knowledge. I'm faced with the reality that there is honestly nothing else I can do. I throw this question into the emptiness around me, "What now?", and no answers appear forthcoming.