Finding Joy in Change

After two years in a relationship with a man whom I consider perfect for me, I find myself once again alone. It's been a month since Rudy and I said our goodbyes, agreeing it was best to move on with our lives as individuals. While I should be sad, I somehow find myself basking in the sweet guilty pleasures of spending all my time, energy, and emotion on myself. I don't know why it is that when I enter a relationship I use every ounce of my strength nurturing that bond, forgetting about my own needs. It takes it's toll every time.

To begin with I hated working the four ten hour days so that Rudy and I could have full weekends to devote to each other. I dreaded getting out of bed every morning knowing I faced an endless day. Too tired to exercise or enjoy the summer weather, I simply ate, slept and worked until the weekend. While I had Monday off, I found myself spending those precious hours catching up on all the things I was either too tired to do while working or too busy to do on weekends. There was never any real "Me time".

Without a relationship to tend to, I've switched back to a regular work week. Now I rise at 4:45 with plenty of energy to do a thirty minute work out. The work day races by and when I leave at three I still have time to enjoy the fall weather and take a walk in the nearby woods. The weight which I put on while spending weekends in Akron visiting Rudy's family members, drinking with neighbors or simply sitting in front of the television, is coming off, adding to my sense of well being.

I plan my weekends now around my, bike, nearby hiking trails and activities that keep me active and happy. I still plan long weekends with Scott and Michelle visiting wineries and laughing over silly board games. While Scott misses having a guy to hang with, he tolerates us women and manages to enjoy himself. I've mapped out road trips for next spring and well into the summer which will include kayaking, sight seeing, biking and hiking. All those things I loved to do and gave up this past year in order to be with a man who's life changed drastically when his daughter was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I'm happy. I'm at peace. There is no anger or chaos to worry about, just complete freedom of movement in my life. I wish life hadn't thrown such a sucker punch at Rudy, knocking him out of the joyful life we had together, but it did. We chose to walk away from each other and I know now that it was the right thing to do. Change is a fearful thing and often painful but in the end it brings the sweetest rewards. Life is so good!